mind empty!

There comes a time when a human feels totally empty. His emotions are gone. His thoughts are void. All of him is wasted. Unaware of his purpose and confuse of his existence. He is like a blind who gropes through the reality’s pitch black darkness. No matter how rich he is, no matter how intelligent he is, there is this tiny hole that seems to get the most of him. No sum of money can fill this hole. The power of his god cannot do anything. The so-called friends are not there. Even the knowledge that he has is insufficient. As sad as it sounds, human life is filled with such moment.

These pauses in life are very common. It usually happens when a person thinks of everything and nothing simultaneously. The urge to focus on the matters at hand seems to fade. Everything feels numb, and then little by little, the numbness is gone. It is replaced by the indescribable sense of nothingness. These moments can happen anytime and anywhere. These very human occurrences excuse no one. From young, old, female, and those who are somewhere in the middle. Some fear it, some do not. Some thinks that a rational explanation is somewhere out there.

All throughout history humans tried sorts of stuff to fight these dilemma. Many people killed themselves trying to avoid them. Many filled their lives with creative activities. Some searched further, giving birth to arts, sciences, religions and many more. Other people just accepted that emptiness is part of intricate design of human life. Could it be that such blank situation can be avoided? Is this hole meant to be filled? If it is meant to be filled, human will fill it with what? If it is not, what do humans do?

As cycle continues, another question pops out. Human mind worries and looks for answer. Some questions are answered, some are not. Wondering goes on and on until sometime later…lost…deep…nothingness…empty.

thank you so much

My sister and I never have in common except that we are both girls with long hair but we never share the same shampoo and hair conditioner. Her hair is long shiny black while I am enjoying the hazelnut coloring. We’ve never been to the same school. We have different friends. Both have different kind of music. Both have different interest and dreams. When we were young she went to an exclusive all girl school while I enjoy the company of a school dominated by boys. She’s into ballet and I love kung fu. When Sunday comes she loved to wear a dress while I love those jeans! We are apart different. I am everything in which she is not. But although we were in that situation one thing is for sure we love each other very much.

I am a hardheaded always grounded while she is so free to do the things she wanted to do. She can go outside even at night while I stay on my room in front of a computer because I am not allowed to go out and I can only go when she told mom she will be watching over me. She can cook good food while I can’t even fry a chicken. My sister used to tell me I should learn to cook for yaya is not always there to fried me a chicken. She used to remind me that too much watching tv is bad for my eyes. That it is bad to spend too much in the mall. That it is bad to skip meals and bad to rely everything to yaya that I have my own two feet and two hands with one big head. My brother and I looked up on her. I wanted to be like her but I just simply cant for she is so perfect to be a big sister. And I cant afford to be one. My brother and I never ever worried on everything for she fixes everything even when it comes to school and the principal and the councilor’s office thing =)) for ate is always there. She’s like a mom to me. She never complain on my kakulitan.

It’s been twenty-eight days since my sister died of a heart attack due to complication. Despite all those medical interventions. She’s only 28 and too young and it never came to our mind that she will die that day. I thought she is going to be fine because her doctors said she is fine and we can go home one day. We have so many dreams in life. What kind of life she wanted me and Lawrence to have. Back in our childhood my sister and I share the same room. Though she don’t feel like sleeping with lights on she will sleep with it for I am too scared of the dark. She might be harsh sometimes but maybe because I am over limiting her capacity.

It’s the work and the schools that make the three of us apart these past few years. She decided that I pursue another step and Lawrence the much higher step if we wanted to be successful. She fixes everything that now I don’t know how to fix the errors that might come on my way. I am not prepared to meet that boo-boo for no one will fix them for me anymore. I am afraid.

I remember one day while watching that Sunday mass on tv there was this ad of a memorial plan and the lady told the agent she wanted to have her casket in pink. It never came to our mind each time she will make a joke she will say “pwede ba yong coffin ko ay pink?” then she will laugh too much and that is the coffin she wanted when she die. That’s the reason behind why she is in pink. She was writing and texting everything she wanted to say because she’s into ventilator and in-tubated (is that the medical term?) she’s in pain and she wanted to go home. We are advised to have her in the ICU and she wanted me to remove everything that is with her. Imagine sometimes there are twelve dextrose running through her body because she is having her peritoneal dialysis and it was like a Christmas tree with dextrose as ornamentals. It was too sad to see her in pain and I cant take it anymore that I cried too much and she said I should stop crying I don’t know why maybe she’s telling me that she is okay. I am not used to see her on that condition yes we went to the hospital but not in that shape. While we are having a conversation two nights before she died and she don’t feel like sleeping she told me she wanted to see her godmothers so Lawrence texted all of them and they did go the hospital. Of course they are star shocked. She was alright then suddenly you will see her in that state who will not fall tears even an insane man will have pity on her. Then she told me to fix her hair so I asked the nurse and we did fixed her hair. And told me that when we go home she wanted to be beautiful and I said yes you will be beautiful on that day. And we will go to the mall before we go home and she wanted to have a pink slipper then I said okay we will go to the mall before we go home and buy that slippers. My sister love havaianas more than I do. And there was her last request tell papa to eat the ice cream and we did tell papa to eat the ice cream. She never let mom and papa visit her in the hospital. She don’t want mom and papa to see her in that condition I asked her why she said they will cry and she don’t want them to break their heart so I said ok if that is what you want. I asked her what if they want to see you now. She said no and please don’t. She always tells me to pray the divine mercy chaplet and we all pray the chaplet every three hours. She wanted to have a confession so I went to the nurse station and request for a priest and luckily the hospital chaplain is mom’s friend. She died very fast. In two minutes her BP is gone. She just closed her eyes and there was a tears falling from her eyes. I never imagine she will leave me that night. I am the only one left in the hospital and I was so afraid. But the doctors all of her eight doctors did everything to have her back but maybe she is tired too that she wanted to rest and that she wanted to be with god. It was later we found out that everything that was written on her cellphone and on her notebook and everything she said while in the hospital are connected. Why does she want to see her godmothers because her godmothers will fix the house and will make her beautiful flowers when she dies. Why she want to go to the mall before we go home because we will never find a dress for her except at the mall and the pink sleepers yes she wanted to buy a new pink slippers and we bought her a pink shoes suited on her dress. She was just like sleeping and they said that if you will die of a heart attack you will be black but she never turned to black she was white and her lips still pink and that is her request to went home beautiful. It was to hard to brought her home dead.

Now I know why you want me to learn those things you push me to know because you will leave me. Why you wanted me to be more sweeter to the other big cousins we have. But I want you to know that no one will ever replace you in my heart you will always be my big ate. Thank you so much for the 24 years of taking care of me. keep safe ate. I am missing you so much don’t you know that? Goodbye for now. Just like the old times when we are going to sleep. I love you topher goodnight, sleep tight. Cyah! But topher nobody will embrace me now and who will I kiss when I say goodnight.