Remember me...mom

I think about what it means to accommodate the lonely reality that Mom will no longer be physically present in my life. It seems easier being frozen in the despair of loss and mourning, than adjusting to the idea of living the rest of my life without her.

I know I must sound selfish but at first I’m literally scared of how to face life without her. Although I’ve done nothing but cry and mope around the house since it still doesn’t seem real yet. I love her so much and cherish her dearly. It’s a void that will never be filled completely. But I want her to rest in peace and to still be looking out for me from above. Sometimes i suddenly miss mom like hell, like i am right now.

I remember how it hurts, on that Tuesday morning I woke up realizing how me and my brother ended the night before, how did we go home from the funeral parlor, how fast my brother drive home after the call, how I realized that I will no longer be the person that I used to be and that I will no longer have that someone I could call when I got news to tell.

I remember how it hurts so badly, on that first three days of forcing myself to understand why I have to let her go and realized that her heart could always have its own choices. How the first night without mom in our home dragged like a nightmare I tried so hard to escape but didn’t find my way out and how all the memories kept coming back to break again the broken pieces of me, how I can’t say her name without shedding a tear—without fervently wishing it was just a bad dream at all.

My mother is my first friend and playmate. She’s the one who rocked me as a baby, patched me up as a clumsy kid, and eased my brokenness as an adult. My mother is the biggest part of my life. My life revolved around her.

Nothing can prepare you for what it’s like to lose your mom. I’ve had many friends throughout the years who have lost their own mothers. I felt sad for them and offered words of comfort. I cooked spaghetti and bought cards to help my friends get through the grief. I had absolutely no idea though how excruciating it is to no longer have your mother with you until I lost mine last March 16, 2020.

My world shattered into trillion pieces. How am I to live each day without her by my side? Although she is sick of diabetes half of my life I still prefer that she would be there through it all. My mother passed away on the day me and my brother are out to accomplish the job assigned to us. It was the day when the whole of Luzon is to be locked down due to Covid-19. And the day where everyone was busy. The day when it wasn’t supposed to pour down rain that much. The day the angel took my mother was the day I never expected to come that instant. 

She had suffered with diabetes for fourteen years and a quart year from diabetic nephropathy prior to her death. Her suffering was long and difficult for everyone. I can’t stand that long looking her in that bed. She was in terrible pain. She was always in deep sleep after taking her medicines and cry out loud when the effects run off. We all knew Mom was going to die. In fact, there came a point when we were praying for God to take her and end her suffering.

I thought I was prepared for Mom’s passing. I’m an educated, intellectual woman. I read all the books on death, dying, and grief. I knew it would be hard, but I figured I was ready to face it head-on. After all, losing a parent is a fact of life that millions of people before me have faced. Mom was very brave and was ready to die. I was going to be brave too. I thought I would grieve for a while, and then I would be able to move on with life. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

The first day after mama dies feels like a blur. I function and do what should be done. We make funeral arrangements, buy all the essential groceries, bank withdrawals’ was damn hard since the lockdown, contact relatives, console family members, and go forward taking care of necessary tasks. Numbness is the perfect word for that time.

On the second day we forget that mom was dead. My brother was crying hard for hours for forgetting that mom is dead. He didn’t sleep since the day mom died and then the moment he wakes up and go directly to mom’s room only to realize that she is there in her silver coffin.

Help comes too from our friends and relatives. We bought additional flowers, process the burial permit and that of the church. Disinfect our home and maintain the cleanliness in our home.

After Mom died, I tried to push away the grief. Any time I felt like falling apart, I would take deep breaths and get busy with something else. This worked for a little while, but not for long. The pain was not going away, and I needed to feel it.

I felt like my chest was going to explode. I knew what it was, but was trying to ignore it. You see, grief is a very physical thing. You literally feel physical pain. I finally couldn’t take it anymore, and I got up and ran to my bedroom. My relatives gave me some time alone. When they finally came in to check on me, I was curled up on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. After that night, I learned to allow myself to feel the pain. I didn’t ignore it anymore.

The Covid 19 pandemic was a disguise for me and well-intentioned people will try to speed up the grieving process for you. I keep myself busy. They’ll try to keep you busy, and some of my friends dont mention my mother’s name for fear of hurting me. They never asked how is life without mom. I get back to work as a local disaster risk management officer and helped those people who need help and while i allow myself to grieve. I just told myself that if i try to stay busy and put it out of my mind, it will catch me  up.  It’s best to let it happen when it happens.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there's no set time limit on the process. The old saying "Time heals all wounds" is not entirely accurate, but not entirely inaccurate either. I don't know if the wound of losing a mother is ever healed. The pain does get more bearable over time. But how long it should take? No one can say.

Three months after my mother passed away somehow life is kind to us. we are pretty normal and started to move on. we do cry sometimes while we reminisce the things we do with her. 

People find comfort in different things. as for me taking a walk helps. A long, hot bath does the trick. The important thing is not what you do, but that you do something for you. As the saying goes "Your mother deserves to be remembered. She deserves to be missed."