Shane
Jie
And Me :)
Sunday, June 7, 2020
The Not so little broccoli in Hamislag 2020
Wednesday, June 3, 2020
Remember me...mom
I know I must sound selfish but at
first I’m literally scared of how to face life without her. Although I’ve done
nothing but cry and mope around the house since it still doesn’t seem real yet.
I love her so much and cherish her dearly. It’s a void that will never be
filled completely. But I want her to rest in peace and to still be looking out
for me from above. Sometimes i suddenly miss mom like hell, like i am right
now.
I remember how it hurts so badly, on
that first three days of forcing myself to understand why I have to let her go and
realized that her heart could always have its own choices. How the first night
without mom in our home dragged like a nightmare I tried so hard to escape but
didn’t find my way out and how all the memories kept coming back to break again
the broken pieces of me, how I can’t say her name without shedding a
tear—without fervently wishing it was just a bad dream at all.
My mother is my first friend and
playmate. She’s the one who rocked me as a baby, patched me up as a clumsy kid,
and eased my brokenness as an adult. My mother is the biggest part of my life.
My life revolved around her.
Nothing can prepare you for what it’s
like to lose your mom. I’ve had many friends throughout the years who have lost
their own mothers. I felt sad for them and offered words of comfort. I cooked
spaghetti and bought cards to help my friends get through the grief. I had
absolutely no idea though how excruciating it is to no longer have your mother
with you until I lost mine last March 16, 2020.
My world shattered into trillion
pieces. How am I to live each day without her by my side? Although she is sick
of diabetes half of my life I still prefer that she would be there through it
all. My mother passed away on the day me and my brother are out to accomplish
the job assigned to us. It was the day when the whole of Luzon is to be locked
down due to Covid-19. And the day where everyone was busy. The day when it
wasn’t supposed to pour down rain that much. The day the angel took my mother
was the day I never expected to come that instant.
I thought I was prepared for Mom’s
passing. I’m an educated, intellectual woman. I read all the books on death,
dying, and grief. I knew it would be hard, but I figured I was ready to face it
head-on. After all, losing a parent is a fact of life that millions of people
before me have faced. Mom was very brave and was ready to die. I was going to
be brave too. I thought I would grieve for a while, and then I would be able to
move on with life. Nothing could have been further from the truth.
The first day after mama dies feels
like a blur. I function and do what should be done. We make funeral
arrangements, buy all the essential groceries, bank withdrawals’ was damn hard
since the lockdown, contact relatives, console family members, and go forward
taking care of necessary tasks. Numbness is the perfect word for that time.
On the second day we forget that mom was dead.
My brother was crying hard for hours for forgetting that mom is dead. He didn’t
sleep since the day mom died and then the moment he wakes up and go directly to
mom’s room only to realize that she is there in her silver coffin.
Help comes too from our friends and
relatives. We bought additional flowers, process the burial permit and that of
the church. Disinfect our home and maintain the cleanliness in our home.
After Mom died, I tried to push away
the grief. Any time I felt like falling apart, I would take deep breaths and
get busy with something else. This worked for a little while, but not for long.
The pain was not going away, and I needed to feel it.
I felt like my chest was going to explode. I knew what it was, but was trying to ignore it. You see, grief is a very physical thing. You literally feel physical pain. I finally couldn’t take it anymore, and I got up and ran to my bedroom. My relatives gave me some time alone. When they finally came in to check on me, I was curled up on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. After that night, I learned to allow myself to feel the pain. I didn’t ignore it anymore.
I felt like my chest was going to explode. I knew what it was, but was trying to ignore it. You see, grief is a very physical thing. You literally feel physical pain. I finally couldn’t take it anymore, and I got up and ran to my bedroom. My relatives gave me some time alone. When they finally came in to check on me, I was curled up on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. After that night, I learned to allow myself to feel the pain. I didn’t ignore it anymore.
The Covid 19 pandemic was a disguise for me and well-intentioned people will try to
speed up the grieving process for you. I keep myself busy. They’ll try to keep you busy, and some
of my friends dont mention my mother’s name for fear of hurting me. They never asked how is life without mom. I get back to work as a local disaster risk management officer and helped those people who need help and while i allow myself to grieve. I just told myself that if i try to stay busy and put it out of my mind,
it will catch me up. It’s best to
let it happen when it happens.
There is no right or wrong way to
grieve, and there's no set time limit on the process. The old saying "Time
heals all wounds" is not entirely accurate, but not entirely inaccurate
either. I don't know if the wound of losing a mother is ever healed. The pain
does get more bearable over time. But how long it should take? No one can say.
People find comfort in different
things. as for me taking a walk helps. A long, hot bath does
the trick. The important thing is not what you do, but that you do something
for you. As the saying goes "Your mother deserves to be remembered. She deserves to be missed."
Sunday, March 22, 2020
goodbye mama
I’d like to start with what I am grateful for.
I am grateful for this family. We are big but tight group. Big as in big (darakula kami) They have been an incredible source of strength in the past 2 months for me and Lao. Thank you.
Seeing the tremendous love and support here for my mom and my family is humbling and inspiring. Thank you for taking the time today to be here. It means a lot. I know that all of you really cared for us. Despite the rules we have to follow in this difficult time yet you risk yourself to get through the border just to be with mom today.
Admittedly, this is a very emotional and challenging time for me. I’ve struggled to understand and accept this situation. Losing your mom is a deeply painful experience. It comes with a hurricane of emotions, processing, and reflection.
We are gathered here today in the memory of our one and only Lola De so that together we may acknowledge and share both our joy in the gift that her life was to us, and the pain that her passing brings. In sharing the joy and the pain together today, may we lessen the pain and remember more clearly the joy.
La’de had live a wonderful life. She gave it all to us. Her love for her grandchildren was exceptional. Habo ni mama kang bilog na chicken mas gusto nya ang choice cut ta pano daa kung ang Makua kang makuapo nya sa barangaan kang chicken liog? Gusto nya bastante. Gusto nya dakul pirmi. Mayong problema kung dakul ang sobra basta dakul dai kulang. Ice cream talaga saka halo halo ang nakakabulong sa makukulog ni La’de.
65 years na nabuhay si Lade digdi sa Paolbo ta. 37 years man syang nag trabaho kaya si La’de siguradong maogma sa bilog nyang Buhay. It is hard to say goodbye. Lalo na ta na sanay kaming yaon sya pirmi. Maski si La’de pilay nakaka rampa yan pirmi. We wish that we had more time, and perhaps that during the time we had we had spent more of it together. We wish that so much of her life had not been lost to her illness, 14 years syang may diabetes. 14 years syang nag inject ning insulin saka nag inom ning mga bulong, that things could have been different for her, and for us. While we know that she is at peace and that her struggles are at an end, there is pain and sadness. But even though she is gone, she has left the legacy of her love and perseverance. The ways she touched our lives will remain, and I ask you to keep those memories alive by sharing them with me and with one another.
Pag may helang daa ang tao kadakul ning bawal pero Mama was never deprived of any food. She loves papaitan, sampayni, dinuguan, kaldereta, chocolate and mango shake. Intero pati ang higop ni mama kang sabaw kang karneng kandeng. There was this time na nawala yong mango shake ni lao nakakalakad pa sya non walang umamin kung sinong uminom maray ngani may nahulog na mangga sa dibdib nya kaya alam na hahahha!
But through everything Mom went through, she managed to keep her priorities straight. What can be more important than loving and showing your love for your family? How can some of us who are blessed with so much forget to be thankful to God, while somehow Mom kept her faith through all of her trials. Si La’de saro sya sa living witness kang mga miracles ni Divine Mercy. Kadakul syang naging helang pero tinabangan sya nin dios. Kaya kang si La’de inatake sa hospital tapos yaon na ang mga doctor para I intubate sya ang sabi ko sainda dai nindo kayan si mama laganan ta kung may milagro talaga gusto ko ngonyan na. kaya kang aldaw na ito binalik nya si La’de samo. Asin totoo mananggad na padangat si Lade ni divine mercy.
This is a wonderful legacy. This is a wonderful example to follow. Keep focused on what is truly important, not only when your life is easy, but when it is difficult too.
Sa gabos po na nagtarabang samo lalo na sa panahon na ini Thank you for all the love and help you have given us. Dai ko na po sasaro saroon kung siisay kamo. Sa lahat ng kazen ko na dai kami winalat poon ki papa hangang sa mga huring aldaw ni mama salamat saindong maray. Mayong katumbas ning ano pa man ang saindong pagtabang asin pag padangat samo.
Mama had made sure that we can stand on our feet and make it through maski gurano katagilid ang mundo. Basta pirmi mag pray lalo na ki divine mercy. Dai mawaran ning Pag-asa sa Buhay. Maging positibo sa Buhay. Maging maboot sa gabos na oras pero bantayan saka inngatan ang sadiri saka dai magtiwala basta basta ta baka mapasala kita.
We are grateful mama for all the love and things you have given us. For providing me and lao everything you could afford while we were growing up. And for believing in our capacities. Sa gabos na pangaral sa Buhay. Sa pag saway samo ni lao kung maribokon kami. And for giving us a kind life. Padangat mi na mama ang harong mi kaya mayong mabago sa harong mi. gabos na tradisyon ipapadagos mi iyan maski mayo ka na ta dinakulaan mi na iyan.
Saimo nag ikot ang mundo mi ni lao mayo ng iba. Makulogon pero kaipuhan mag move on kita. Salamat La’de sa gabos-gabos. Sa ika duwang Buhay mo mama arog kang pirmi ming sinasabi saimo mabuhay kang halawig saka makusog ta pag nag abot naman ang oras mi ipadagos ta sa langit kung ano ang mga bagay na dai ta nagibo digdi sa daga na papa.
Sigurado mama na ma mimiss kang maray kang gabos na makuapo mo saka mga pamangkin mo pero magpahingalo ka na La’de. Mayo ka ng makulog. Mayo ng Ayko. Sigurado akong sulot mo na ang magayon mong sandalyas ngonyan dyan sa langit. Dai ka mag alala samo ni Lao ta makusog kami pareho. Kaya mi na mama. Padagos na sa saimong pag lakbay sa kalangitan kaiba ang satong kagurangan. Salamat na maray mama.
Padangat mi ika.
Saturday, January 4, 2020
Oh Australia
Being ravaged by one of the most devastating and catastrophic bushfire seasons the country has ever seen so far more than 10 million hectares of Australia land has been burned and brought huge disaster in the diversity of life. The impacts on the lives and livelihoods of residents and wildlife makes for truly painful viewing. According to CNN Philippines, as many as half a billion animals may have been wiped out in the latest conflagration. This seems to bother the bleeding hearts much more than the twenty or so human fatalities or the several hundred families whose homes have been destroyed.
These bushfires present an unprecedented emergency for the nation’s people and wildlife. Animals such as koalas, kangaroos and other natives have perished. This is a devastating blow for an iconic species already in decline and these bushfire have the potential to hasten all the species slide toward extinction. The fact that progress in Australia has brought this species extinction due to ongoing excessive tree clearing for agricultural and urban development and climate heating triggered bushfires that destroys their habitat and could accelerate their extinction timeline.
Bushfires are commonplace in Australia and were long before records began. Much of Australia’s native flora is fire-adapted, and in particular the Eucalyptus forests have thrived in the naturally fire-prone conditions. It is known that the fire threat is a function of temperature, winds and cumulative rainfall deficit. Currently, large parts of Australia suffer from anomalously high temperatures and extreme drought conditions. In combination with gusty winds, the fire risk is therefore extremely high. While natural variability plays a considerable role, climate change exacerbates the fire danger, turning a bad year for fires into one which is potentially apocalyptic for some.
Australia is currently experiencing one of its worst bushfire seasons, with swathes of the southern and eastern coastal regions having been ablaze for weeks. As the fires have spread, there has been extensive media coverage both nationally and internationally documenting – and debating – their impacts.
There has also been widespread criticism of Australian leaders’ handling of the situation, particularly in the context of the government’s poor record on climate action. The fires come at the end of the nation’s hottest and driest year on record. Much of the media coverage has discussed the different factors that have driven the extreme fire season, with climate change coming up as a prominent theme.
The handling of the situation and lack of urgency in the government’s response has been roundly derided by the press both in Australia and around the world. Many publications drew clear links between the government’s perceived inaction on climate change and the current situation.
Mental health impacts are often overlooked. The survivors deserve extensive support in dealing with trauma, bereavement, and loss. Feelings of home and security might be shattered, their community might never be the same, and they may experience debilitating fear of the next fire. With those affected already having suffered substantially, interventions are essential to address depression, suicide, anxiety, stress, and other mental health challenges.
Australia’s bushfires are a terrible and dramatic reminder of the impact that extreme weather can have on people and on nature. As well as the obvious damage to property and habitats, thousands of people may be suffering from the poor air quality as they breathe in smoke and ash in the air.
We know that droughts, heat waves and wildfires are becoming more common across the world as our planet heats up. The Australian bushfires are not only a taste of what is to come in the future as a result of our changing climate, but also a reminder that planting trees is unlikely to be the panacea to fight climate change that some might hope.
Planting trees will not prevent further climate change if the trees go up in flames every summer. When forests burn, they don’t store much carbon. The current situation suggests that solutions based on tree planting can only be applied in a limited number of regions, thus limiting the amount of carbon that can actually be stored for long periods. Australia has always had bushfires, but as the climate changes, regions of the world that previously rarely saw forest fires are experiencing them much more often. Even the North of England, Scotland and Sweden see large wildfires nowadays.
Australia is long viewed as one of the most idyllic places on the planet, is now being seen as hell on earth. My relatives are working in Australia and was devastated by fire, hearing from them and seeing the live news I have been overwhelmed by the generous response to the ongoing bushfire crisis. People are praying for their safety, donating time and money to support firefighters, emergency personnel and the victims.
When it comes to reducing global emissions, Australia must and is doing its bit, but bushfires are a time when communities must unite, not divide.
It argued that the government has an essential role to play. That includes more funding and resources for fighting fires and assistance for those displaced, whose businesses have been hurt or who have lost their homes. But Australians increasingly are looking to the government to take national and global action to reduce greenhouse gas emissions and stop the terrifying advance of climate change.
Thursday, September 19, 2019
the me inside
Trees ripen in age without shame, becoming stronger and more abundant. As slow witnesses of the universal ebb and flow, they stand, simply and nobly, adding one more ring, experiencing one more cycle of change. We obviously cannot continue living as a tree does for hundreds or thousands of years, but we can live as long as we are allowed to as active witnesses who age more nobly, ripening with wisdom and abundance and without shame.
Even when parts of a tree noticeably change—branches, leaves, blossoms, fruit—the roots still grasp deep in order to nourish and support each part. Just like the stall between seasons, there is much more going on inside a person than what is visible. What we see is either an expression of rumblings in a person’s roots or an experiment of listening to their own imperial stylist—what’s displayed on the outside. Clothing, hair, makeup, and more change, but people are still people embedded in this human experience and deserving of kindness, respect, and a little benefit of the doubt.
Also, no matter what or when we decide to change in ourselves, keeping up our own nourishment is crucial. Eat well, brush and floss, rest deeply, and feed the spirit with kindness, generosity, service, and beauty. Because what we feed our roots will eventually show up in the details of our leaves, the fragrance of our blossoms, and the sweetness of our fruit.
It’s almost cliché to say, but seasons change. Some have more fullness, energy, and precipitation, while others have bareness and bitter cold. However, they all act as reliable beginnings and endings to each other, just like the different phases of our lives. The death of things and the life of things are inextricably linked, and a necessary and even beautiful part of life.
My life now might look different than before, and it will probably appear even more different in the future. I hope so. A woman’s life, especially, may have very different but recurring seasons, but they are all part of the one tree: the individual—living, breathing, and weathering the storms of life.
And so, as I have lived through the dread of loss and delighted in the sprouting of new kinds of abundance, I know in the sense of how we all know, or hope to know, or even dare to hope to know, that there is some sort of greatness waiting in my roots—in all our roots—and in each accumulated ring that will manifest itself once, maybe twice, or maybe with each recurrent season.
And I know that the cycle, the beauty of the experience, is really what it’s all about—for all of us.
Oh and btw the next time you are in that beach again don’t be surprised if you see her in orange leaves and fruits of green.
Friday, November 2, 2018
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
happy 63rd mom
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