Shane
Jie
And Me :)
Sunday, June 7, 2020
The Not so little broccoli in Hamislag 2020
Wednesday, June 3, 2020
Remember me...mom
I know I must sound selfish but at
first I’m literally scared of how to face life without her. Although I’ve done
nothing but cry and mope around the house since it still doesn’t seem real yet.
I love her so much and cherish her dearly. It’s a void that will never be
filled completely. But I want her to rest in peace and to still be looking out
for me from above. Sometimes i suddenly miss mom like hell, like i am right
now.
I remember how it hurts so badly, on
that first three days of forcing myself to understand why I have to let her go and
realized that her heart could always have its own choices. How the first night
without mom in our home dragged like a nightmare I tried so hard to escape but
didn’t find my way out and how all the memories kept coming back to break again
the broken pieces of me, how I can’t say her name without shedding a
tear—without fervently wishing it was just a bad dream at all.
My mother is my first friend and
playmate. She’s the one who rocked me as a baby, patched me up as a clumsy kid,
and eased my brokenness as an adult. My mother is the biggest part of my life.
My life revolved around her.
Nothing can prepare you for what it’s
like to lose your mom. I’ve had many friends throughout the years who have lost
their own mothers. I felt sad for them and offered words of comfort. I cooked
spaghetti and bought cards to help my friends get through the grief. I had
absolutely no idea though how excruciating it is to no longer have your mother
with you until I lost mine last March 16, 2020.
My world shattered into trillion
pieces. How am I to live each day without her by my side? Although she is sick
of diabetes half of my life I still prefer that she would be there through it
all. My mother passed away on the day me and my brother are out to accomplish
the job assigned to us. It was the day when the whole of Luzon is to be locked
down due to Covid-19. And the day where everyone was busy. The day when it
wasn’t supposed to pour down rain that much. The day the angel took my mother
was the day I never expected to come that instant.
I thought I was prepared for Mom’s
passing. I’m an educated, intellectual woman. I read all the books on death,
dying, and grief. I knew it would be hard, but I figured I was ready to face it
head-on. After all, losing a parent is a fact of life that millions of people
before me have faced. Mom was very brave and was ready to die. I was going to
be brave too. I thought I would grieve for a while, and then I would be able to
move on with life. Nothing could have been further from the truth.
The first day after mama dies feels
like a blur. I function and do what should be done. We make funeral
arrangements, buy all the essential groceries, bank withdrawals’ was damn hard
since the lockdown, contact relatives, console family members, and go forward
taking care of necessary tasks. Numbness is the perfect word for that time.
On the second day we forget that mom was dead.
My brother was crying hard for hours for forgetting that mom is dead. He didn’t
sleep since the day mom died and then the moment he wakes up and go directly to
mom’s room only to realize that she is there in her silver coffin.
Help comes too from our friends and
relatives. We bought additional flowers, process the burial permit and that of
the church. Disinfect our home and maintain the cleanliness in our home.
After Mom died, I tried to push away
the grief. Any time I felt like falling apart, I would take deep breaths and
get busy with something else. This worked for a little while, but not for long.
The pain was not going away, and I needed to feel it.
I felt like my chest was going to explode. I knew what it was, but was trying to ignore it. You see, grief is a very physical thing. You literally feel physical pain. I finally couldn’t take it anymore, and I got up and ran to my bedroom. My relatives gave me some time alone. When they finally came in to check on me, I was curled up on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. After that night, I learned to allow myself to feel the pain. I didn’t ignore it anymore.
I felt like my chest was going to explode. I knew what it was, but was trying to ignore it. You see, grief is a very physical thing. You literally feel physical pain. I finally couldn’t take it anymore, and I got up and ran to my bedroom. My relatives gave me some time alone. When they finally came in to check on me, I was curled up on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. After that night, I learned to allow myself to feel the pain. I didn’t ignore it anymore.
The Covid 19 pandemic was a disguise for me and well-intentioned people will try to
speed up the grieving process for you. I keep myself busy. They’ll try to keep you busy, and some
of my friends dont mention my mother’s name for fear of hurting me. They never asked how is life without mom. I get back to work as a local disaster risk management officer and helped those people who need help and while i allow myself to grieve. I just told myself that if i try to stay busy and put it out of my mind,
it will catch me up. It’s best to
let it happen when it happens.
There is no right or wrong way to
grieve, and there's no set time limit on the process. The old saying "Time
heals all wounds" is not entirely accurate, but not entirely inaccurate
either. I don't know if the wound of losing a mother is ever healed. The pain
does get more bearable over time. But how long it should take? No one can say.
People find comfort in different
things. as for me taking a walk helps. A long, hot bath does
the trick. The important thing is not what you do, but that you do something
for you. As the saying goes "Your mother deserves to be remembered. She deserves to be missed."
Sunday, March 22, 2020
goodbye mama
I’d like to start with what I am grateful for.
I am grateful for this family. We are big but tight group. Big as in big (darakula kami) They have been an incredible source of strength in the past 2 months for me and Lao. Thank you.
Seeing the tremendous love and support here for my mom and my family is humbling and inspiring. Thank you for taking the time today to be here. It means a lot. I know that all of you really cared for us. Despite the rules we have to follow in this difficult time yet you risk yourself to get through the border just to be with mom today.
Admittedly, this is a very emotional and challenging time for me. I’ve struggled to understand and accept this situation. Losing your mom is a deeply painful experience. It comes with a hurricane of emotions, processing, and reflection.
We are gathered here today in the memory of our one and only Lola De so that together we may acknowledge and share both our joy in the gift that her life was to us, and the pain that her passing brings. In sharing the joy and the pain together today, may we lessen the pain and remember more clearly the joy.
La’de had live a wonderful life. She gave it all to us. Her love for her grandchildren was exceptional. Habo ni mama kang bilog na chicken mas gusto nya ang choice cut ta pano daa kung ang Makua kang makuapo nya sa barangaan kang chicken liog? Gusto nya bastante. Gusto nya dakul pirmi. Mayong problema kung dakul ang sobra basta dakul dai kulang. Ice cream talaga saka halo halo ang nakakabulong sa makukulog ni La’de.
65 years na nabuhay si Lade digdi sa Paolbo ta. 37 years man syang nag trabaho kaya si La’de siguradong maogma sa bilog nyang Buhay. It is hard to say goodbye. Lalo na ta na sanay kaming yaon sya pirmi. Maski si La’de pilay nakaka rampa yan pirmi. We wish that we had more time, and perhaps that during the time we had we had spent more of it together. We wish that so much of her life had not been lost to her illness, 14 years syang may diabetes. 14 years syang nag inject ning insulin saka nag inom ning mga bulong, that things could have been different for her, and for us. While we know that she is at peace and that her struggles are at an end, there is pain and sadness. But even though she is gone, she has left the legacy of her love and perseverance. The ways she touched our lives will remain, and I ask you to keep those memories alive by sharing them with me and with one another.
Pag may helang daa ang tao kadakul ning bawal pero Mama was never deprived of any food. She loves papaitan, sampayni, dinuguan, kaldereta, chocolate and mango shake. Intero pati ang higop ni mama kang sabaw kang karneng kandeng. There was this time na nawala yong mango shake ni lao nakakalakad pa sya non walang umamin kung sinong uminom maray ngani may nahulog na mangga sa dibdib nya kaya alam na hahahha!
But through everything Mom went through, she managed to keep her priorities straight. What can be more important than loving and showing your love for your family? How can some of us who are blessed with so much forget to be thankful to God, while somehow Mom kept her faith through all of her trials. Si La’de saro sya sa living witness kang mga miracles ni Divine Mercy. Kadakul syang naging helang pero tinabangan sya nin dios. Kaya kang si La’de inatake sa hospital tapos yaon na ang mga doctor para I intubate sya ang sabi ko sainda dai nindo kayan si mama laganan ta kung may milagro talaga gusto ko ngonyan na. kaya kang aldaw na ito binalik nya si La’de samo. Asin totoo mananggad na padangat si Lade ni divine mercy.
This is a wonderful legacy. This is a wonderful example to follow. Keep focused on what is truly important, not only when your life is easy, but when it is difficult too.
Sa gabos po na nagtarabang samo lalo na sa panahon na ini Thank you for all the love and help you have given us. Dai ko na po sasaro saroon kung siisay kamo. Sa lahat ng kazen ko na dai kami winalat poon ki papa hangang sa mga huring aldaw ni mama salamat saindong maray. Mayong katumbas ning ano pa man ang saindong pagtabang asin pag padangat samo.
Mama had made sure that we can stand on our feet and make it through maski gurano katagilid ang mundo. Basta pirmi mag pray lalo na ki divine mercy. Dai mawaran ning Pag-asa sa Buhay. Maging positibo sa Buhay. Maging maboot sa gabos na oras pero bantayan saka inngatan ang sadiri saka dai magtiwala basta basta ta baka mapasala kita.
We are grateful mama for all the love and things you have given us. For providing me and lao everything you could afford while we were growing up. And for believing in our capacities. Sa gabos na pangaral sa Buhay. Sa pag saway samo ni lao kung maribokon kami. And for giving us a kind life. Padangat mi na mama ang harong mi kaya mayong mabago sa harong mi. gabos na tradisyon ipapadagos mi iyan maski mayo ka na ta dinakulaan mi na iyan.
Saimo nag ikot ang mundo mi ni lao mayo ng iba. Makulogon pero kaipuhan mag move on kita. Salamat La’de sa gabos-gabos. Sa ika duwang Buhay mo mama arog kang pirmi ming sinasabi saimo mabuhay kang halawig saka makusog ta pag nag abot naman ang oras mi ipadagos ta sa langit kung ano ang mga bagay na dai ta nagibo digdi sa daga na papa.
Sigurado mama na ma mimiss kang maray kang gabos na makuapo mo saka mga pamangkin mo pero magpahingalo ka na La’de. Mayo ka ng makulog. Mayo ng Ayko. Sigurado akong sulot mo na ang magayon mong sandalyas ngonyan dyan sa langit. Dai ka mag alala samo ni Lao ta makusog kami pareho. Kaya mi na mama. Padagos na sa saimong pag lakbay sa kalangitan kaiba ang satong kagurangan. Salamat na maray mama.
Padangat mi ika.
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