happy fathers day papa

You never said I'm leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it,
And only God knew why

A million times I needed you,
A million times I cried
If Love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died

In Life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place,
That no one could ever fill

It broke my heart to lose you,
But you didn't go alone
For part of me went with you,
The day God took you home.

happy fathers day papa :) law and i misses you so much.

saranghamnida papa!

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It has been six months since the last time i stand here in front of you grieving for my sister ate babette. The wound is still fresh and were not yet fully recovered and now here i go again today grieving as i waved my final goodbye for papa. It has been a great journey with my papa. He didnt tell me how to live. He lived and let me watch him do it. He was just a simple man who will give everything for his family and i guess there isn’t an apt word that could describe how hardworking he was because indeed he is. I never imagined in my whole life that one day i will wake up without a father. It never came across my mind either. It was him who taught me how to pray while we were growing up he had been a mom and a father to me. Its hard to live in a world where everybody is busy but to papa we were never a burden to him that's why he quit his job and focus to business so he will have more time with us and he can take of me. That night before hes dead we were planning about his upcoming birthday celebration and we were so happy.

Maninibago kami sa umaga dahil wala ng sunny side up favorite pa naman ni mom yon. Nobody will wake my sister’s up because she will be late in the office...maybe i just drag you by the hair addy. Wala na din goodnight little ones and good morning sleepy head. Come out the sun is waiting. I will always remember papa as a loving father. Sayang di ka man lang nakaexperience how is it to have a grandchild of your own and yong wish mo just like uncle awel na makapaglaba ng inihian ng magiging mga apo mo.

When ate babette die papa said it is bad to cry that much because it is not healthy and it will look you pangit but every day that passes, every night we used to see him inside ate babette’s room praying and embracing my sister picture and indeed he was crying. I know they are together now. Happy and watching us.

I want to thank all of you for comforting us in our bereavement. For my papa's family in candon city who traveled that far just to be with us. To nanang, uncle boy, aunty elsa, mommy lita, kuya marlon, ate madel, uncle popoy, aunty vangie, kuya jr, mama bing, ate lee, kuya mc thank you so much.

And that too for my mom's family. Nanay pining, aunty floy, mama iya, uncle jhun, aunty besing, uncle Mario, uncle ely, aunty malyn, aunty pura, dada calo, mama dolly, uncle awel sa lahat ng mga pinsan ko lalo na ki ate loida, mga cousin thank you!

Sa mga inaanak ni papa. Kuya obet, ate jen, kuya miyas, ate joy, ate iyang, kuya marcial, kuya leklek, ate iya salamat po saindo. Sa lahat ng mga kapitbahay naming salamat po sainyo.

All of you have been very supportive in our family. Saying thank you isnt enough. And i dont know how to pay you back but for now thank you is the very best word.

I want to say thank you too to auntie nana, lola paring, ate francia, kuya eloy, batsoy, jao, nono for they didn’ leave us during the wake, for preparing the food and the dishes and the house of course thank you so much po saindo.

To nono and dandan thank you sa gabos. CBSUA staff thank you for letting us barrow your tables and chairs. Sa mga may ari ng mga sasakyan. Maraming salamat po.

And to all of you here present today who have been praying for us your prayers gave us strength to face this trials were facing right now. Salamat pong maray.

To father jovi who is always there for me, dudoi thank you for everything and thank you too to your mom and dad. To mayor evelyn yu, madam thank you so much. Addy will be back to office soon don’t worry i know they’re very busy on the office right now. Tito Ed and tita norms, LGU officials and employees thank you.

Maybe some of you will question why is this happening to us but i dont look for any explanation why god take them too soon. All i know is that it is gods will and it is his plan.

I want to thank papa for giving me and addy the best he could afford. For loving me and addy and topher that much. You have been a good provider and a role model to me. To tell you honestly in my 21 years i never experience a hard hand of him he didnt even hit me even once and i guess same also to addy right? He was a very kind and loving father.

Syempre matagal mawawala ang sakit dahil mas doble ngayon pero kakayanin naming dahil sabi mo nga dapat parating malakas at matatag. Mamimiss ka ng mga bata dahil ang alam nila tulog ka lang dahil birthday mo at marami ka ng candy sa ref.

Sainyo po lahat ipray nyo naman po na makayanan naming itong pagsubok na ito. And i hope that now that papa is gone everything stays the same. Iniimbitahan po naming kayo pagkatapos ng libing may tanghalian po sa bahay namin. We will be glad to see you there.

I am now ready to said goodbye to you papa. Your space in the family will have a great void but we will try to move on and be strong. Don’t worry papa we can take care of ourselves and promise to learn things you want us to learn and dont worry about mom too we will take care of her. May god take you in his hands papa. I will miss you but we are letting you go. Rest well and hava goodnight.

It will be hard from now on and it will be much painful but even so we have to make it through. Sarang hamida papa!

You will always be in our heart.

25 na pa-it

As this day draws to close and the sun sets down signify that my twenty-four year is over and tomorrow marks another milestone of my existence. Above all, I wish to thank god for all the blessings he had given me to what I have achieved and learned from. To mama and lao for always being there for me, the love that binds the three of us as a family give me strength to face life challenges and make me strong. I love you more. I can’t say that this year didn’t bring the luck I was hoping for, I can’t say either I was unfortunate. I was just lucky to get through with the life god wanted me to have. Whatever tomorrow may bring I only wish not just a year older, but a year better. And to all my friends who wish to join me for another 365-day journey around the sun …let’s enjoy the trip.


Oh you wanted to know my wish…..ahm sige….
If there is one wish the toothy fairy or the genie in the bottle would grant me now I wanted to have my my sister’s big big hug. Then it’s a happy happy birthday to me. I am not yearning for anything.

Thanks for all the greetings and wishes for me. My wall is full…how lucky my wall is today. I wish you guys all the best, keep safe always and I love you all….ka chow!

bday without you

im going to celebrate my 25th birthday tomorrow ate but lawrence and i dont know how to celebrate it without you. do you like the roses? we bought them from the flower shop. the confetti props well that's my idea. hope you like them too. today is sunday and we havent been to church. we woke up very late but were going to visit ina this afternoon. mom and papa are okay. mom told me i should stop crying because its bad but i just cant stop my tears from falling. do you have any idea how? i know its weird and i shouldnt ask you like this but this is my avenue to lighten up. hope you understand me. im not used to it. i have my card back ive been really good lately. i told mom im quiting school and she said its ok but i promised her to make my MS soon. I just cant comply to the university lately i am too much busy with everything that i have to miss the online class. i lost another havaianas ate. i dont know how but the last time i saw the slippers was when we're celebrating your 4oth day. my things are easily gone and papa told me not to look for them anymore we can buy another one soon. i dont know if we can afford to have the wifi back papa decided to limit the internet speed to 1mbps and i cant even play the mafia this time. we're on a tight budget lately. i ask them why they told me things are not going the way they used to be so were not spending too much for nonsense this time. but im still receiving my monthly subsidy and since i dont have the powers for my savings account lately havent touched them for quite long. well tomorrow we dont have any plans yet. but today a box of pizza, a bottle of coke and spaghetti and sundae will do. with regards to the big kuya's and big ate's well they are on tight monitoring of me. i will visit you more often.

mind empty!

There comes a time when a human feels totally empty. His emotions are gone. His thoughts are void. All of him is wasted. Unaware of his purpose and confuse of his existence. He is like a blind who gropes through the reality’s pitch black darkness. No matter how rich he is, no matter how intelligent he is, there is this tiny hole that seems to get the most of him. No sum of money can fill this hole. The power of his god cannot do anything. The so-called friends are not there. Even the knowledge that he has is insufficient. As sad as it sounds, human life is filled with such moment.

These pauses in life are very common. It usually happens when a person thinks of everything and nothing simultaneously. The urge to focus on the matters at hand seems to fade. Everything feels numb, and then little by little, the numbness is gone. It is replaced by the indescribable sense of nothingness. These moments can happen anytime and anywhere. These very human occurrences excuse no one. From young, old, female, and those who are somewhere in the middle. Some fear it, some do not. Some thinks that a rational explanation is somewhere out there.

All throughout history humans tried sorts of stuff to fight these dilemma. Many people killed themselves trying to avoid them. Many filled their lives with creative activities. Some searched further, giving birth to arts, sciences, religions and many more. Other people just accepted that emptiness is part of intricate design of human life. Could it be that such blank situation can be avoided? Is this hole meant to be filled? If it is meant to be filled, human will fill it with what? If it is not, what do humans do?

As cycle continues, another question pops out. Human mind worries and looks for answer. Some questions are answered, some are not. Wondering goes on and on until sometime later…lost…deep…nothingness…empty.

thank you so much

My sister and I never have in common except that we are both girls with long hair but we never share the same shampoo and hair conditioner. Her hair is long shiny black while I am enjoying the hazelnut coloring. We’ve never been to the same school. We have different friends. Both have different kind of music. Both have different interest and dreams. When we were young she went to an exclusive all girl school while I enjoy the company of a school dominated by boys. She’s into ballet and I love kung fu. When Sunday comes she loved to wear a dress while I love those jeans! We are apart different. I am everything in which she is not. But although we were in that situation one thing is for sure we love each other very much.

I am a hardheaded always grounded while she is so free to do the things she wanted to do. She can go outside even at night while I stay on my room in front of a computer because I am not allowed to go out and I can only go when she told mom she will be watching over me. She can cook good food while I can’t even fry a chicken. My sister used to tell me I should learn to cook for yaya is not always there to fried me a chicken. She used to remind me that too much watching tv is bad for my eyes. That it is bad to spend too much in the mall. That it is bad to skip meals and bad to rely everything to yaya that I have my own two feet and two hands with one big head. My brother and I looked up on her. I wanted to be like her but I just simply cant for she is so perfect to be a big sister. And I cant afford to be one. My brother and I never ever worried on everything for she fixes everything even when it comes to school and the principal and the councilor’s office thing =)) for ate is always there. She’s like a mom to me. She never complain on my kakulitan.

It’s been twenty-eight days since my sister died of a heart attack due to complication. Despite all those medical interventions. She’s only 28 and too young and it never came to our mind that she will die that day. I thought she is going to be fine because her doctors said she is fine and we can go home one day. We have so many dreams in life. What kind of life she wanted me and Lawrence to have. Back in our childhood my sister and I share the same room. Though she don’t feel like sleeping with lights on she will sleep with it for I am too scared of the dark. She might be harsh sometimes but maybe because I am over limiting her capacity.

It’s the work and the schools that make the three of us apart these past few years. She decided that I pursue another step and Lawrence the much higher step if we wanted to be successful. She fixes everything that now I don’t know how to fix the errors that might come on my way. I am not prepared to meet that boo-boo for no one will fix them for me anymore. I am afraid.

I remember one day while watching that Sunday mass on tv there was this ad of a memorial plan and the lady told the agent she wanted to have her casket in pink. It never came to our mind each time she will make a joke she will say “pwede ba yong coffin ko ay pink?” then she will laugh too much and that is the coffin she wanted when she die. That’s the reason behind why she is in pink. She was writing and texting everything she wanted to say because she’s into ventilator and in-tubated (is that the medical term?) she’s in pain and she wanted to go home. We are advised to have her in the ICU and she wanted me to remove everything that is with her. Imagine sometimes there are twelve dextrose running through her body because she is having her peritoneal dialysis and it was like a Christmas tree with dextrose as ornamentals. It was too sad to see her in pain and I cant take it anymore that I cried too much and she said I should stop crying I don’t know why maybe she’s telling me that she is okay. I am not used to see her on that condition yes we went to the hospital but not in that shape. While we are having a conversation two nights before she died and she don’t feel like sleeping she told me she wanted to see her godmothers so Lawrence texted all of them and they did go the hospital. Of course they are star shocked. She was alright then suddenly you will see her in that state who will not fall tears even an insane man will have pity on her. Then she told me to fix her hair so I asked the nurse and we did fixed her hair. And told me that when we go home she wanted to be beautiful and I said yes you will be beautiful on that day. And we will go to the mall before we go home and she wanted to have a pink slipper then I said okay we will go to the mall before we go home and buy that slippers. My sister love havaianas more than I do. And there was her last request tell papa to eat the ice cream and we did tell papa to eat the ice cream. She never let mom and papa visit her in the hospital. She don’t want mom and papa to see her in that condition I asked her why she said they will cry and she don’t want them to break their heart so I said ok if that is what you want. I asked her what if they want to see you now. She said no and please don’t. She always tells me to pray the divine mercy chaplet and we all pray the chaplet every three hours. She wanted to have a confession so I went to the nurse station and request for a priest and luckily the hospital chaplain is mom’s friend. She died very fast. In two minutes her BP is gone. She just closed her eyes and there was a tears falling from her eyes. I never imagine she will leave me that night. I am the only one left in the hospital and I was so afraid. But the doctors all of her eight doctors did everything to have her back but maybe she is tired too that she wanted to rest and that she wanted to be with god. It was later we found out that everything that was written on her cellphone and on her notebook and everything she said while in the hospital are connected. Why does she want to see her godmothers because her godmothers will fix the house and will make her beautiful flowers when she dies. Why she want to go to the mall before we go home because we will never find a dress for her except at the mall and the pink sleepers yes she wanted to buy a new pink slippers and we bought her a pink shoes suited on her dress. She was just like sleeping and they said that if you will die of a heart attack you will be black but she never turned to black she was white and her lips still pink and that is her request to went home beautiful. It was to hard to brought her home dead.

Now I know why you want me to learn those things you push me to know because you will leave me. Why you wanted me to be more sweeter to the other big cousins we have. But I want you to know that no one will ever replace you in my heart you will always be my big ate. Thank you so much for the 24 years of taking care of me. keep safe ate. I am missing you so much don’t you know that? Goodbye for now. Just like the old times when we are going to sleep. I love you topher goodnight, sleep tight. Cyah! But topher nobody will embrace me now and who will I kiss when I say goodnight.

Language ni Robot

Being an IT is not what I wanted to be. I wished that like you, reading my blog i am free, have choices and very happy. Last night while im about to turn off the lights in our study room my eyes were looking on the book that i somehow learned to love. I take a look at them again. Scan them once read a little. I don’t have any enthusiasm of bringing them to bed but my heart tell me i should give it another try. Four years of tri-mister in the university i endure every aspect of high level language programming. I have love it and sometimes though i fell like im gonna be insane for those brain twisting programs I somehow accept the reality that though my mind dont like the world of IT my heart is loving it. Those books to tell you honestly are very expensive and sometimes we bought them on-line. They came with an interactive CD so instead of holding the book we put them on the CD Room. Much of that are the tuition fees we have for were on the trimestral basis. Everyday on those four years of studying on the very cold airconditioned room, sometimes chilling of those codes we need to be coded in order to run the program i can say that this craft is to be love and not just to be like. Its apart different. But one thing is for sure i love computers.

It was mom who introduces me to IT. I was just turning 16 when i enter college and all i ever wanted is to be a soldier. I dont like complicated things. I dont take chances. I dont like everything about IT. But thanks to her for pushing me through. For threatening me of not going to school anymore if i dont finish this IT. She does everything to make me love IT. My father's family are even more supportive. They bring me to Microsoft. So what will i do of course i study hard every day. Give them an A+ and of course the university diploma they wanted me to have.

Computer programming is not easy but its fun and doing so is like youre on the bungee jumping. I just cant explain the feeling everytime i run the program. You got to know who is perl, pascal, java, ada but not me:) Probably the best way to start learning a programming language is by writing a program. One of the basic i have learned is to say HELLO WORLD in different languages but not the languages you used to know but in a high level computer languages. and so here they are i am giving you a collection of saying this two words with those languages:) you can try it at home:) and see how complicated IT world is.

PROGRAM HELLO WORLD IN C++/* my program in C++with more comments */
#include
using namespace std;
int main ()
{
cout << "Hello World! "; // prints Hello World! cout << "I'm a C++ program"; // prints I'm a C++ program return 0; }

while in PASCAL from the blaise hello world is written like this:

Program Hello (Input, Output);
Begin
Writeln ('Hello World!');
End.

and this is for the JAVA not that of java indonesia. java seemed to be my favorite nowadays.

class
{
public static void main(String args[])
{
System.out.println("Hello World!");
}
}

using PERL hello world is written like this. perl is beautiful too.but not the Tital Perl you know =))

#!/usr/local/bin/perl

print "Hello World";

then the ADA but not me =))

with Ada.Text_IO;

procedure Hello is

begin

Ada.Text_IO.Put_Line ("Hello, world!");

end Hello;

with COBOL

IDENTIFICATION DIVISION.
PROGRAM-ID. HELLO-WORLD.
ENVIRONMENT DIVISION.
DATA DIVISION.
PROCEDURE DIVISION.

EIFFEL not the tower! :)

class HELLO_WORLD
creation
make
feature
make is
local
io:BASIC_IO
do
!!io
io.put_string("%N Hello, world!")
end -- make
end -- class HELLO_WORLD
DISPLAY "Hello, world!".
STOP RUN.

for SQL the sequel:

CREATE TABLE message (text char(15));
INSERT INTO message (text) VALUES ('Hello, world!');
SELECT text FROM message;
DROP TABLE message;

The codes are long but there are only two words they wanted to say to you and that is HELLO WORLD! See how complicated IT thing is =)) mom dont want my life to be that easy i can say hello world in my qwerty key but she wanted me to write them on the code see that :)

doon sa manila bay

I’ve been in places where I felt I had no choice in the matter…it was like living in an empty room…no one to talk to…no one to reach for…I’d cried because I had no clue about how to help myself. I’d been into situation that everything seemed to wither. Bothering questions arises. But no answers found. Fervently I live life according to what I understand…according to what I like…according to me…

But I’ve always believed that we make the best of whatever life hands us. And that God will never let you go without letting you know that life is beautiful. God has its own ways to reach us on how to live life. We sometimes find and learned it in the street…in our home…with love ones…with friends…even in strange things…and sometimes in a very painful way. And people around us had been part of it. Just find way to reflect.

He illuminates my life with things that I seemed not to appreciate before. Opening my mind with the essence of living in this world and by helping me accept him in my heart. No one can move mountains except him. Somehow, I knew that the answer to all my questions are inside me…it’s just that I need a little sometimes.

They may not come easily and they may seem to be hiding, but I trust God and myself enough to follow my heart and intuition. It’s the only way to go. I have no idea on how long will this be, but I refuse to stop trying to make life better. And that’s because he teaches me these:
If I think I can make a difference by changing something that I do, I won’t give up until I do. I would rather go down fighting, hoping and praying than giving up.


Now, I know, no matter what the trial, no matter what others say, I’ll hold on to him and steadfastly believed that I will not be defeated.

For I earnestly believe on what he had promised to us, that if you try to keep your life for your self. You will have hard times. But if you live life with me, you will find true life!.

Now I take time to smell the flowers…to breath…to laugh…to let tears flow with happiness…to sing…to dance…to play with babies…to hug someone everyday…to appreciate every little thing that I see…to enjoy the haggot of life…to love and be loved…to feel beautiful…to pause and pray…no place for worries because indeed, life is beautiful.

your mouth is lovely

Its title taken from a Russian Jewish saying pronounced over a child speaking her first words, Nancy Richler’s novel Your Mouth Is Lovely brings to life a tiny Russian Jewish village of the early twentieth century and the brutal imprisonment that socialist agitators were subjected to by the imperial government.

The storyteller is a young mother, Miriam, 23 years old and already jailed in Siberia for six years. The story is her memoir in the form of a letter to her six-year-old daughter, who was taken away from her at birth. It starts with the painful circumstances of Miriam’s birth and abandonment by her superstitious mother. She’s raised at first by a family friend and then by her father and stepmother after they marry.

Miriam’s village sits between a pine forest and a vast marsh that locals are drawn to even while it frightens them and fuels their belief in a malevolent supernatural. Most of the characters are women, and they are both superstitious and smart, judgmental and kind. Richler controls the potential sprawl of the plot and settings by staying focused on the details seen through Miriam’s eyes. Her stepmother satisfyingly evolves from a young wife who doesn’t particularly want Miriam in her home to a stern, loving, and steadfast mother.

The few male characters act as catalysts in the plot, starting in flashback to Miriam’s late mother’s seduction, and continuing as time passes and some of the young villagers begin to agitate against the tsar’s regime. The novel exposes the brutality of the regime as well as that of the radical socialists, who in 1905 struggle through one abortive "revolution" after another. Tsarist police throw teenagers in jail for distributing leaflets; radical organizers exploit and steal from each other. Young women activists touchingly confide their longings for a beautiful coat or dress only to a trustworthy friend so as not to be thought decadent by their comrades.

Miriam is first doomed and later helped by her stepmother’s idealistic sister Bayla, who rejects a traditional arranged marriage within the village and vanishes to Kiev with her socialist lover. Eventually the distant Bayla grudgingly admits she longs for true love, to be cherished for herself instead of earning her worth by struggling for revolution. Her more stridently political lover admits to feeling a fatal reluctance at a crucial moment. Mixed feelings are everywhere. Miriam’s views of the swamp, the forest, her parents and friends, and the few affluent villagers change throughout her young life. She’s a completely believable character, with the warmth and the fears and flaws of a real person. The reader’s sympathy for Miriam grows as she begins to long to make independent choices, though she is not well equipped for them thanks to her sheltered upbringing. Her healthy adolescent drive for a life and an identity independent of her family’s is what pushes her into the circle of doomed revolutionaries. The reader can almost see what is coming and it’s poignant to know this noble young woman is going to lose her freedom. (This is not a plot-spoiler; the book is told in flashback.)

Miriam spends most of her time in flashback, but she gives us glimpses of her life in prison. She lives with several other women "politicals" in a frigid shack whose interior is coated with ice all winter. In summer, they grow a stingy garden in a courtyard outside. The women pay visits to a nearby house of criminal women, who live in even more squalid, crowded conditions, to help them stay as clean and healthy as possible. Madness is always on the edge of each woman’s consciousness, and it intrudes so frequently that they have devised specific methods of trying to help each other hold onto sanity.

Miriam’s driving hope, the source of her will to survive, is her letter to her daughter, whom she knows she may never see. Her hope and her persistent work on the memoir is fueled by letters from her daughter’s foster-mother and from her own stepmother, who now lives as far as it’s possible to get from the village where the story began. At the end, I closed the book feeling equal amounts hope and doubt, just as I would in a real life-and-death situation. The author could have afforded to let the plot of Your Mouth Is Lovely ramble a bit more, but I loved it anyway. If you prefer books that are tightly written and unified in viewpoint, this is an especially good read. ----google.com----

kami ni crayola

One of the memories that I will always have about when I was in Kindergarten, was the day my friend taught me about crayon boxes. She was my first real friend, and my best friend at the time. One day we were coloring, and she let me borrow crayons from her huge 64-count box. I thought they were so cool. My little 24-count box was nothing compared to hers.

As we were coloring, I reached over to put a crayon back in the box. If any of you have ever used crayons, you know that sometimes they don't go back in as easy as they came out, and that sometimes you end up with a huge bulge in the box. Well, that's what happened with this particular crayon.

I kept trying to force back in the box so it would fit, and my friend didn't like that too much, since it was her crayon box. She started throwing a fit and I remember her yelling, "Don't force it!" Then she continued to give me a demonstration on how you push the other crayons out of the way to make room for the other one going back into the box.

As we were growing up, we continued to stay good friends in grade school. I remember always teasing her about it, and she said she never remembered that day really, but I know it really happened, because I think it was the first time she ever yelled at me.

When we entered high school, things started to change, like they most often do. We still talked when we got the chance, but we started to make our own friends. We've stayed in touch, always saying hi in the halls and everything, but we weren't the same best friends we were in Kindergarten.

In my fourth year, things really started to change for me. So many different things happened, I felt like I was lost in the world. I didn't know what to do or who I could turn to.

Then one day my friend came to my locker after school because she saw that I had been crying after spending the afternoon in the guidance office. She asked me what was wrong and I knew I could trust her, so I told her everything that was going on in my life. I told her this in a 7 page note and gave it to her in school.

A couple periods later she had stopped me in the halls and gave me a note and told me how she understood and everything. She wrote me and told me how I just need some time for things to get worked out, and that everything will be okay. At the end of the note, she wrote one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me. She wrote at the end: "I'll give you the same advice I gave you back when we were in Kindergarten: Don't Force It!"

When I read that it put a smile on my face, the first smile that I had cracked in awhile. I told her that I appreciated the note totally. It's funny that out of all the things people have said to me and tried to help me, those words she wrote in the note were the most inspirational.

It's weird that 18 years later the advice she had given me in kindergarten would help me out so much now. She can't give me a demonstration on how to push things away, like the crayons, but she made me open up my eyes, just like she did when she yelled at me in kindergarten.